I am often hesitant to write and share my true feelings about how things are going or what I’ve been up to. In my mind, my imaginings seem so real that reality is hard to grasp, and so I haven’t known what to share that may or may not be the truth about whatever is present in my present.
Since we moved here I’ve had so much and so little on my mind all at once that I took a big step back into myself and wasn’t communicating very well with anyone. I’ve been sorting out a lot of thoughts and goals, reassessing my motivations from day to day, and feeling overwhelmed by both the blankness and the forest of unrecognizable figures moving around on the fuzzy screen of my future. What is it that I am supposed to do? What is my future?
Being so paralyzed by fear of this unknown future, I spent most of December sleeping and sleeping, hiding away from the world and not knowing what to do during the day. I filled out job applications and then didn’t turn them in. I checked out books from the library and didn’t read them. I bought the 2010 Scholarship Guide and applied to none of the listings. I made goals for each day and didn’t accomplish them. I had opportunities to make money and make art, and I didn’t take them.
I wasn’t sure what to do.
And so l post this vague survey: If you were to somehow strike a balance between the following possibilities (not listed by level of importance in the grand scheme), how would you piece them together?
(Feel free to e-mail responses to lizzylambson@gmail.com.)
1. Devotion to the Arts: Creative Works, Writing, Painting, Crafts, and Music. If you enjoy these pursuits, how much time/effort are you willing to devote to develop or create them?
2. Paid Work: Time Devoted to the “Man” (or simply the pursuit of a paycheck); Willingness to Work in a Corporate/Retail/Work-from-Home Environment. If you had the choice to work (for money) full-time, part-time, or not at all, which would you choose and why?
3. Unpaid Work (or, again, the Arts): How willing would you be to sacrifice monetary gain to pursue your passion by working (without a fancy job title) for little to no pay? Or, in terms of dollars and cents, how much money would you be willing to sacrifice (daily/monthly/annually) to do what you really love to do?
4. Family: How willing are you to sacrifice some/most/all of your interests (time/energy/money/hobbies/passions/habits/future/career/body) to bring a small person into the world? Is this important to you? Why or why not?
5. Education: How willing are you to sacrifice some/most/all of your resources (time/energy/money/hobbies/passions/habits/future/career/body) to pursue higher education (such as an MFA in Creative Writing that may or may not benefit you in the long run and may just be an excuse to find something to do while you have nothing “better” to do)?
6. Religion: How willing are you to sacrifice your entire will to follow divine direction? What does this mean to you?
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I haven’t necessarily come to any concrete conclusion as to how I grasp the above-listed possibilities and values, but I will say that I have learned that doing nothing (or to lay down and die), is not the best approach to managing one’s present or future.
Thus, I am back to work. The at-home office is open again. It's back to writing web copy, and I am in contact with five new clients. Some want their work done now, some want it done later, but at any rate, there is work to be done and I am doing it as it comes. I may not be writing the next Great American Novel, but at least I am creating, at least I am learning and writing now about power tools, parking garages, interior design, and the like.
I learned a while ago that a “job” doesn’t necessarily mean “work,” and “working” doesn’t necessarily mean you have an official job title. When people ask me about my employment, sometimes I say I’m a musician, sometimes a writer, sometimes a wife, sometimes a crafter, sometimes a seamstress, sometimes an artist, sometimes nothing.
But to do is better than not to do, regardless of what you’re doing. Doing is better than sleeping, and I’m ready to face that now, as much as I love to sleep. Work, in all its sweat-of-thy-brow glory, is mysteriously good for the soul.
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P.S. The vacation was wonderful. In December I went to Colorado, Vegas, California, and Utah. I’ll have to post some photos. Thank you, family and friends, for such a rejuvenating holiday. Come visit soon!
P.P.S. The sleeping girl in the sky is by illustrator Kathleen Rietz in The ABCs of Yoga for Kids. Visit kathleenrietz.com to see more cute illustrations in her portfolio.
1 comments:
Honestly, for me, I follow God first and then everything else sort of falls into place. I follow that with art coming in second because that is where God has lead me. I used to make a decent living at it until 3 years ago. But I'm still doing it. I considered going back to school and forsaking all else if I thought that is where God was leading, but I still gotta work, so here I am still making art...overworked and underpaid but happy nonetheless. My friends and my art make me happy. Having supportive people in my life helps. They understand my struggles, my value system, they encourage and support me. I would have given up a lot in life (or at least put it on hold) for a husband and a baby, but that hasn't happened, so I can't really speak about that.
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