Sometimes I feel like a little lost sheep.
I am trying to think of a good memory of my mother. Memories plural, perhaps. I recall eating leftover Hamburger Helper drenched in Tobasco sauce very late one night with Vlasic dill pickles--midnight snack, she said. I have fonder memories of those flavors than I ever thought or hoped I would.
Large bubbles with hangers.
Cold squid legs, anchovies, lettuce wraps, rice, hot pepper paste, yellow pickled turnip.
Ice cream sandwiches under the pavilion at Frontier Elementary.
Sewing my first stuffed animal, handing it to her with the needle hanging off. "I didn't leave enough thread to tie a knot."
She tied it for me.
I could name it Muji Gegom, she said. Korean for "Rainbow Bear."
The name stuck.
What is the value of a memory? What do they matter?
I am considering traveling to visit my grandma soon to make recordings of her life stories, something to keep as a record of her. I worry that one day she won't be there and it will be my fault there is no record. I feel like the only one trying to keep some kind of record, and I don't even make an effort very often. I learned at Church and at school about family history. I thought I would start it, and now it looms.
It's as if we're all going to dissolve, and part of me surrenders to the knowledge that it's bound to happen, but another part me yearns for an eternal, ageless life on earth. A third part of me borders on apathy: try not to care, try to stop worrying, try to keep the chin up, onward and upward, Yukon ho, one step in front of the other, build me up Buttercup.
So take a break.
But stop being lazy.
Get some rest.
Get off your arse.
"Everyone just needs a little time to sleep."
Early to bed, early to rise.
You've always pushed yourself so hard.
Just do something.
Worry less about what you do, but who you are.
Faith without works is dead.
After all we can do, after all that you do.
Enjoy it while you have the time.
Do you see the paradox? The back and forth?
Memories. I have death records, marriage certificates, old photographs, divorce papers, name changes, funeral programs, pieces of the family tree in a fat binder. These are from her, from Grandma. They are overwhelming, and they are only from one person. She is the one relative beyond my immediate family that I've had regular contact with throughout my life, and my one strong connection to a heritage that seems so foreign to me:
Pearl killing chickens for the gumbo
biscuits in a tin lunch pail
boarding school
Louisiana pecan trees
the hiding place under the porch of the homestead
the grain mill
the handmade casket company
Dundee's bluegrass band
becoming a taxi driver
the evictions
to be a black woman with platinum blonde hair
military dances
leg makeup running in the rain
"They called me 'Tip.'"
running away with the sound of a shotgun blasting in the air
yells resounding to come back
Why does this seem important to me?
And if it is, is it urgent?
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4 comments:
I want to know more about dundees bluegrass band.
It will come as no surprise to you that I am passionate about writing down stories/memories of people before you forget them and they are lost.
In 2006 I set a goal to write a history about my grandfather. He had served in the Korean war, lived in several countries (including Iran) and had traveled all over the world. Winter semester of 2006 I was taking a class at BYU called "Writing Family Histories." Before taking the class, I wasn't exactly sure what I would write about, but then the assignment was to write about a grandparent. It was perfect timing.
Three weeks into the class my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and he died in September of that year. I have no doubt that the timing of that class and those events were not a coincidence, and I'm really grateful for that. To be honest, my paper was not stellar, but in writing it I did get to learn a lot about my grandpa, and I got to put it down in writing that I could share with my family.
With all that said, there are a lot of great resources in existence that can help you learn good interviewing techniques. It may seem odd that interviewing techniques would be necessary to have a chat with someone that you know and love, but they are really about the types of questions that will get people talking and that sort of thing.
I could go on and on and on about this ad nauseum (shocking, I know), but I've already written way too much and must stop myself. One suggestion: Have short conversations with your grandmother, and immediately after the conversation, write down what she said. You don't have to write it word for word because you are a good writer and can summarize and retell her stories well, I'm sure. :)
My dad and his brothers had several sessions with my grandmother where they videotaped her talking about her history. Now that she is gone, it's so fun to see her little personality as she tells about her very simple life.
Those stories - even the hard ones - are worth so much. I have listened to my grandma spin tales of love, loss, dancing, and disappointment - I wish I had written them down. Our talks have been invaluable, but I'm the only one who heard them. It would be amazing for you to get to record her thoughts and memories even the less-than-perfect ones.
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