I Am Black, I Am Asian, I Am White: Cultural Ambiguity

I've considered the idea of writing a memoir about my hair that would circumscribe my experience as a culturally confused youth. I am black and I am Korean by way of ethnicity, but I am culturally white.


I grew up in Colorado Springs, Fast Food Nation's pick as the epitome of a suburban, strip-malled, fast-fooded, mostly white, cheddar-cheese-loving, conservative Christian American city. Growing up there, I didn't think of the city in that way. I still don't. Strip malls and cookie-cutter houses aside, it's my hometown, a place full of fascinating people, a place that holds my personal history in it's hills (which are now buried under new housing developments) and high school hallways.

But just as with my views on employment (i.e. I am everything! I am an artist! musician! seamstress! chef! laundress! writer! reader! goddess!), I also feel that I am culturally everything.

And I'm okay with that.


I AM BLACK
• because I identify with Esperanza Spalding, a bassist from Portland who sings jazz and is too cool for me to even listen to without being jealous.
• because I have a big booty rivaling Beyonce's and you can't shake it like we can.
• because I want to get hair extensions which, unlike wigs, are to be coveted.
• because I make a mean gumbo and greens and know what that means.
• because I get my hair relaxed, grease it, and wrap it at night.
• because I spontaneously pick up fried chicken instead of pizza. (Popeye's or bust! Love it!)
• because I have nice brown skin--even in Portland where the sun don't shine.
• because my little cousin Oddie handed us a book called Rainbow, Where Are You? and it was crossed out to say Rainbow, Where You Be?
• because my brother pretty much is Will Smith.
• because half my family is black.
• because I qualify for minority scholarships and to work for multicultural associations.
• because I have full lips.
• and my dad is black.
• and he met my mom in Korea.


I AM KOREAN
• because I used to watch Superbook growing up . . . without subtitles.
• because I like to wear cartoon animals on my shirts.
• because I've suffered from feeling extremely guilty if everything I do isn't perfect.
• because I know how to make chajang myun and zucchini pancakes.
• because I like to eat chop chey, bulgogi, gimbap, shrimp flavored chips, dried squid, tofu, black bean paste, hot pepper paste, cold octopus legs, seaweed, kimchi, lettuce wraps, and lots and lots of rice.
• because I don't digest milk products or corn very well, but rice feels awesome in my belly.
• because my favorite stuffed animal growing up was named "Muji Gegom" (Rainbow Bear in Korean).
• because I have traditional Korean hanbok dresses and little pointy shoes in my closets.
• because I really liked the Korean boyband H.O.T. in high school.
• because Asian work ethic is what made me good at music and good at school.
• because I still feel like it's a sign of disrespect to address my elders, family members, and friends as "he," "she," "him," or "her" when speaking about them to others. I try to use their names.
• because I don't like dogs--dogs are dirty and are eaten as food. (Sorry, Zio. At least we gave you back and didn't eat you first.)


I AM WHITE
• because Sufjan Steven's Christmas is my holiday music of choice.
• because I act so white people don't even realize I'm not.
• because Spaghettios and boxed mac and cheese are the comfort foods of my youth.
• because I frown when people wear sandals with socks.
• because I listen to folk music and like preppy-retro glasses.
• because I've learned to like camping.
• because I've had the social status and financial support to live an easier life free of cultural boundaries and race-based exclusion, travel the world, train as a classical musician, get a college degree, and marry a white man who feels like my cultural equal ('sup Sam!).
• because I am good at being an unnoticeable minority in a white majority.
• because I like Arrested Development, vintage clothing, Vitamin water, grammar, indie music, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series, yoga and Zumba at 24 Hour Fitness, expensive sandwiches, not having a TV, and scarves. (See stuffwhitepeoplelike.com.)

What makes you who you are?